My little one is so much fun! He climbs everything with the energy and anticipation that I imagine one has when ascending Mt. Everest. He loves life and people watching. He is the KING of facial expressions. He could make a living mimicking people and entertaining them with his little personality. I love him to the moon. 

Being the imperfect human and mother that I am, I wonder if I give him the full attention that he needs. I am working hard to build a business from home and that means a large chunk of my day is spent on social media, networking or communicating with people outside of our family. I realize that I can spend hours thinking and planning what to do or how to say something and that in turn, I miss out on moments with my son, precious moments - I'll only ever have my first child (thus a single child) once. I need to make the most of it! Is social media or even becoming independently wealthy more important than time with my son? Absolutely not. 

In church meetings today I was challenged with several questions that really tugged on my insides a bit.

What is the greatest desire of your heart? That thing that occupies most of your thoughts, wishes, longings and intentions?

What do you put your time, heart and energy into?

When you struggle, what is the thing that you grasp onto and hold for dear life?

What kind of heart do you want to present to the Savior? What does that look like?

Things to contemplate. 

You have a "magical overabundance"..."that's your inherent creativity humming and stirring quietly in its deep reserve."

"...I want to live the most vividly decorated temporary life that I can. I don't just mean physically; I mean emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. I don't want to be afraid of bright colors, or new sounds, or big love, or risky decisions, or strange experiences, or weird endeavors, or sudden changes, or even failure."

Both of these bold, commanding statements were written by Elizabeth Gilbert. What a truly courageous woman. She's not afraid of her own voice. She shouts her truth from the rooftops and demands that she be heard. Not for anyone else's sake, but for her own, because she enjoys her truth. It makes her happy and she wants you to know it.

I keep thinking of all the things in the back of my mind that I've either dreamt of doing for a while or that have attached themselves to an impulsive thought I had one day without every letting go. Both remind me of a TV show "No Tomorrow" in which the two main characters write "apocalysts," things they'd like to or feel they need to do before the world ends.

My "lyst" has been forming in the back of my mind and is slowly making its way onto scratch paper, post-its and old receipts. In the interest of saving time, I think I better record it here before it gets tossed onto that pile of half-baked thoughts or I lose it forever.

1. Learn to (do) trapeze

2. Watch youtube videos and become a proficient MUA

3. Play a Princess

4. Take a kickboxing/self-defense class

5. Sing a solo

6. Perform in a musical theater

7. Do areil yoga

8.  Visit all 7 continents

9. Create my own "followmeto" collection

10. Stay the night in a castle

11. Visit Mongolia and sleep in a yurt

12. Meditate in an ashram in India

13. Learn the art of henna

14. See the northern lights in person (kakslauttanen)

15. Stay in a tree house

16. Go on a spontaneous trip anywhere in the world
17. Visit the Taj Mahal 

18. Walk the stage at the MGM grand in Las Vegas as an RVP with Arbonne

19. Go on a date night to Lagoon!

20. Visit Harry Potter World in LA or Orlando

21. Learn to make cosplay armor

22. Build my own Sabriel cosplay

23. Attend the Labyrinth Masquerade ball, in costume

24. See Tiesto live

25. Dress up in 70s garb and go rollerskating

26. Dye my hair a crazy color

27. Escape from an escape room

28. Go to Hawaii with my family

29. Publish some sort of creative writing

30. Invent something

31. Be a mermaid

32. Get ripped

33. Eat my way through Italy

34. Teach my son to read

35. Paddleboard

36. Attend a paint nite

37. Randomly pay for someone's gas

38. Randomly pay for someone's groceries

39. Photograph something life-changing

40. Become fluent in Russian

41. Doula for someone

42. Have a baby naturally! No meds, no induction!

43. Build a cabin and live in it

44. Start a blog

45. Become a victim advocate

46. Pyrograph

47. Visit and take pictures in front of all the LDS temples in the world!

48. Become a proficient yogi

49. Take my husband on his dream trip

50. Attain financial freedom
51. Swim in a crater
52. Visit Legoland!
53. Learn needlepoint
54. Write and publish a children's book
55. Learn the doll piece from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
56. Meet Jay Shetty - I got to see him live

That's good for now, I think. 

I want to remember Liz's warning:

"Often what keeps you from creative living is your self-absorption (your self-doubt, your self-disgust, your self-judgment, your crushing sense of  self-protection)."

Be bold. Be brave. Listen to and follow your own inner voice. Be grateful and positive. Allow every thought and feeling you experience to become a light that illuminates the world. Be the change.

I had a beautiful experience last night. My family and I were having dinner when I noticed a woman at the table behind us sitting alone. I thought that perhaps she was waiting for someone. Over the next several minutes I caught her looking over at our table. I got repeated promptings - you know, those stirrings inside of you that move you to action, to invite her to join us at our table. 

First let me backtrack...A memory of a different dinner came to mind as I looked at this woman. I was out with some people and there was a man at the table right next to us who sat alone. I remember the distinct feeling that I should invite him to sit with us. I brought it up to the group and they thought that would be weird, not only for us but for him. One person insisted that there are plenty of people who like to eat dinner alone and we probably shouldn't bother him. He looked a little downtrodden and like he could use the company. I ignored the feeling and went about my night. I couldn't get the man out of my head, or the guilt. 

Back to last night: After minutes of battling that "should I/shouldn't I" inner voice, I stood up, walked to her table and, as naturally as I could said that I'd noticed she was sitting alone and wondered if she'd like to join our family for dinner. She teared up. "Bless your heart," she said. She was actually just about to get her check but thanked me for the invite. She said she had been admiring us and that we had a beautiful family, especially our little one. After she got her check, she stopped by our table and told us how much our invitation had meant to her, that it had made her day. She visited with our baby, smiling and waving at him, and left. When we went to pay for our bill our waitress told us that sweet woman had paid for our dinner. 

You never know what a simple act will do for someone. And we were blessed in the process! I just wish we could've gotten to know her. 

We had a giftcard and asked our waitress to apply it to someone else's check. Excited, she told us "I'd love to pay it forward for you!" Whenever you get that feeling to serve someone or bless a life, don't ignore it. Count backward from 5, don't think about it. Just act. A little love can change the world. And you never know when you'll need that kindness. 

Peace, love, om.

I turned 30. And it was a beautiful weekend, filled to the brim and, I daresay, even overflowing with love. It was a great reminder of who I am; I reclaimed a bit of my identity. So often I get lost in my two roles of wife and mother. I forget that I am a daughter, sister, friend, that I can be hilarious, fun and witty. I love to play games and dress up. I have a passion for listening to others' stories and connecting to people on a deeper level. I am a lover of handwritten letters and books in print. While I am fully entrenched in social media and up-to-date (as far as I know) with technology, I have always felt a little out of my time. Like an old soul. I have an intense,visceral fear of getting up and speaking in front of people but secretly covet the opportunity at the same time. I want to be known, seen, I want to sing and dance in front of an audience, I want to change somebody's life for the better. I want to make the world a better place. I want to do every single thing that scares me, and enjoy every minute of it.

This weekend was spent surrounded by family, friends and strangers. In restaurants, homes and theaters. I remembered that there are plenty of lovely sides and facets to myself I just haven't taken the opportunity to see or experience in a while. It was exhilarating. It was freeing. I remembered of how much I adore musical theater and really any medium in which people bare a bit of their souls and we are able to connect through a few shared moments. I need people in close proximity both physically and emotionally in order to be my best and most whole self. I need their energy, their love, their fear, their perseverance. I need to serve them and uplift them. I need to be inspired by and inspire them. So grateful for meaningful conversations, deeper connections and the magic that they bring to my life. I cannot wait for the next experiences life will throw at me, the next kindred spirits.

"...Creative living is a path for the brave. We all know this. And we all know that when courage dies, creativity dies with it. We all know that fear is a desolate boneyard where our dreams go to desiccate in the hot sun." - Elizabeth Gilbert

"Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are within you?" -E.G.

I am 12 pages into Big Magic by Elizabeth Glibert and already loving it. It is a wake up call. As I have mentioned before, I blame a great deal of my loss of self and break with creativity to motherhood and marriage because both of those things take tremendous sacrifice and selflessness. I have to worry about others' needs first. Then there is the isolation that comes with motherhood (which makes absolutely no sense to me. I am open to being around people and welcome them with open arms into my heart and home, even when it's a mess, because with children, it just is). I suppose neither of those is really the root of the problem though. I think I have let fear creep in and take up ownership somewhere inside of me and in turn, have unknowingly evicted courage.

I am at a point in my life where I can remember moments and people with whom I have been the happiest (I'm an extrovert - people breathe life into me; not being surrounded constantly by people is excruciating), but I can't seem to recall something I am truly passionate about, other than traveling. What are my talents? How do I find and bring forth the treasures within me, as Liz Gilbert proposes? What can I do to tap into my creative self and bring hidden treasures to the surface?

I think I will start off by making room for fear, as Liz does in her book.

Dear fear, my old companion,

I recognize your shadow as you trail silently behind me trying to remain unseen. I feel your presence like an itch that I just cannot seem to find the source of. I realize that your greatest thrill comes from jumping right out in front of me the exact moment I decide to follow my heart. I thank you for your presence. You've given me a (false) sense of security in remaining just where I am. You've shown me that it's easy living within my comfort zone. But I intend to reach beyond you. You will no longer stop me from living my best life. Whoever I am meant to be, you will not keep me from her. I am going to find my passion, follow my dreams and love myself even while you whisper doubts into my ear. I will surround myself with people who both fill me up and inspire me. Especially those who challenge me and encourage me to reach further. I will slip you into my pocket, in case I need reminding later. But you are just a silent passenger now.

J