To all the wonderful women, mamas, sisters, daughters, friends, thank you for your beauty, vulnerability, example and voice. I love and celebrate each of you. ✌❤🕉

And to my baby: you are the greatest part of me, my heart outside of my body. I love you more than I'll ever be able to express with words. Instead I'll hold you in my arms, love you deeply, chase your dreams with you and be present every moment I have with you. I'm so grateful and so blessed to be your mama.

It's been a while. I have been through hell and back. I have a loved one suffering from addiction. It's one of the ugliest things I have seen someone face, especially because of the fallout.

I recently attended a conference where the speaker helped us to better understand betrayal. She described one's sense of self in relation to his or her spouse, family, surroundings, job, etc as a "construct," and shared that when someone is betrayed their construct is broken. Thinking of it like a glass bowl falling off of a shelf, it's easy to see the destruction this causes. Once broken it will never be physically possible to be put back together the same way. Additionally, because there are so many pieces, the time it will take to find the pieces and make sense of the whole will be significant.

This resonated with me for so many reasons. I feel like I have been living in survival mode. I often feel like - this can't be all there is to my life. Surely I am meant to be more, do more, change the world in some significant way. I get overwhelmed by my student loan interest rates which are rapidly increasing. I get paralyzed with fear for my child's future when I read the news or hear about things affecting friends' children. I get depressed scrolling through instagram, comparing my life to the seemingly effortless and richly abundant lives of other moms.

What I realize is that I have no control over the future. The idea of there being a time and season for everything in life is starting to really sink in. I can't compare my life to anyone else's because I'm not in their shoes. I don't know what their life is truly like; I don't know their fears or insecurities.

I've been pondering the question: "If I could trade places with anyone else, would I?" It could mean a change in my financial position, social influence, opportunities to travel.... the list could go on and on. The conclusion I came to was an absolute, without hesitation, "NO." 

I was born to be my son's mom. He is the most beautiful, kind and brilliant person I know. I love being his mother more than I have ever loved being anything else in my life. And he loves ME. He needs me. He doesn't care how much money I make, how many people know who I am, how I look in a bathing suit, whether or not I'm wearing makeup, or what I am doing to change the world. I am his world. If I am putting my energy and attention into building him up the best way I know how then I am doing it right.

I can't thrive in survival mode, desperate for money, recognition or popularity. They are fickle, temporary things anyway. I barely survive in hyper-awareness.

My relationships with people, my attitude, what I can give - these are the things that matter.

I am a good person. I am putting forth every ounce of energy and effort inside of me to become the greatest version of myself I can. Some days look like I got run over by a truck, but I keep going. If I can just stay focused, positive and hopeful everything will end up the way it needs to.

And muting that negative voice in the background is absolutely essential. Not today, Satan.

I am the daughter of a King. I am a force for good in the world. The only person who can get in my way is me. I choose to let go of my anger, forgive and move forward. I choose happiness. I choose HOPE. My BEST life is waiting. And I am worth it. So are you.

Peace, love, om.

J