Witness of Jesus

Once a month, in front of our church congregation, we have the opportunity to bear our testimonies of Jesus Christ. It's a moment to reflect on blessings, share what we know to be true, what we believe, what we hope for. 

Today, as I was listening to others share, the following thoughts came to mind:

A witness, as a noun, is a person who sees. As a verb, it's a chosen action: to not look away, to tell the truth, to testify. I love to know the etymology of things I'm thinking about, so here's part of the Merriam-Webster definition. More thoughts below. 

witness

noun

wit·​ness ˈwit-nəs 

1

: attestation of a fact or event : testimony

2

: one that gives evidence

specifically : one who testifies in a cause or before a judicial tribunal

3

: one asked to be present at a transaction so as to be able to testify to its having taken place

4

: one who has personal knowledge of something

5

a

: something serving as evidence or proof : sign

b

: public affirmation by word or example of usually religious faith or conviction

witness

2 of 2

verb

witnessed; witnessing; witnesses

transitive verb

1

: to testify to : attest

2

: to act as legal witness of

3

: to furnish proof of : betoken

4

a

: to have personal or direct cognizance of : see for oneself

b

: to take note of

5

: to constitute the scene or time of

intransitive verb

1

: to bear witness : testify

2

: to bear witness to one's religious convictions 

I want to be a witness and an example of that type of love because this has been my experience of what and who Jesus is. He is the epitome of humility, goodness & charity.

 He is quiet love - like simple, everyday answers to prayers. 

He is loud love - like flipping tables at the temple & leaving the 99 to search for the 1. 

He's boundless love - communing with those considered "sinners," those cast out of society. 

He's equitable love - he listened to women preach. He spent time with children. His love doesn't distinguish between us based on looks, money, politics, social status, gender, border or even religion. 

His grace extends to each and every one of us. His love is specific and individual. He's in the details of our lives. He wants us to choose to walk with him, but he extends his love to ALL. He spent his time with the broken, the used, and the broken-hearted. 

In my experience, Jesus Christ wants us to care for all of our brothers and around the world. What does this mean? Every human we interact with, we should leave better than we found them. Especially those we disagree with and those it's easier not to love. Choosing empathy and compassion. Listening to understand. Loving without strings. These are radical acts of Christlike love.

We can do all things through Jesus. He's our advocate, our brother, our friend. His love for us is boundless, eternal and unconditional. If we want to know if someone is like Jesus, if WE are, "by their fruits ye shall know them." 

There are thirteen articles of faith we believe in. They are proclamations about things we, as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints collectively agree on. The 13th says "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." 

By our fruits ye shall know us. 

It is my greatest hope that I can live in a way that makes people feel safe, loved and like they matter. I hope the fruits of my every day can exemplify my love of the Savior. 

I believe that we are divine beings of Heavenly parents and we were sent here to care for one another. Today my husband said "God is not a gatekeeper; he removes obstacles in our path. He doesn't put them there." I truly believe that. We are never beyond the reach of His love. 

✌️ ❤️ 

Poetry

I'd almost forgotten I started this blog. Writing is a lifeline, art, a tether in a boundless, open sea.

I met my favorite writer, Terry Tempest Williams on campus at an event over a decade ago. It was happenstance. I walked through an entryway to a dorm, a small group of people sat in a circle discussing poetry. I stopped. As they discussed the importance, for the world, of getting what's inside of us out, I could not move. I had to join them. TTW asked us what keeps us up at night. I wish I could find my response. I remember it was mostly activism: how we wanted to change the world and why. A line from our freshman "theme," Mary Oliver's poem "The Summer Day" came to mind. She asks: "What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" This was a big part of my response. I'll see if I can find it.

Terry invited 2 or 3 of us to stand with her and read our thoughts aloud at her event. She chose me. At the time, I hadn't heard of her or her writing. I hadn't known we'd been raised in similar spaces, with similar traditions and patterns. I couldn't have understood the deep and lasting connection with red sand and earth that we shared. It was a pivotal moment. I look back and wonder what could've happened if I'd made more time for writing? Who would I be today? I think of the woman who petitioned and fought for TTW to come to our campus in the first place and remember what a gentle force she was. Outspoken about being stewards of the earth and our interconnectedness to it. Her small community of people were loving, inclusive and as diverse as a box of crayons (side note: don't you just LOVE opening a new box of crayons and using all of the colors for the first time? Mixing to make new colors, putting them all in perfect half circles to make beautiful rainbows? Just me?) 

It's taken me years to find my voice. To stand up publicly for what I know to be true. To fight for what is good and right. For humanity, community, love. I admire those women, who taught me, by example, how to find my voice and who remind me still how important it is just to show up. To stand out, speak up, and provide that light for someone else. Thank you, incredible women. 

Memories

“Most of our childhood is stored not in photos, but in certain biscuits, lights of day, smells, textures of carpet.” – Alain de Botton

“Smells, like music hold memories. She breathed deep and bottled it up for posterity.” – Arundhati Roy

We have a lot of memories, emotions and feelings from our childhoods that are associated with smells and music. They are burned into who we are. My greatest task, I feel, as a parent is to create so many happy memories and moments of belonging and affirmation that our children have to really search to find the sad memories. That’s what LOVE means to us. Also:

Full bellies

Conversation

A long table

Laughter

Kindred spirits

Lots of hugs and kisses

Building bridges

Kind words

Winnie the Pooh said it best: “If you live to be 100, I hope to live to be 100 minus one day so I never have to live without you.”  

WE HAVE A POTTY TRAINED BOY! It is truly a miracle, and like most other things with this boy, proceeded at an unnaturally fast pace. One day he was standing next to us, looking us in the eye as he peed, screaming that he did NOT want to wear undies, the next, he decided he would ONLY use the big potty, learned how to sit up and on the back and for 2 full days we've had a child going on his own. He didn't even pee the bed through the night! He is just like his mama: stubborn (to a fault at times), determined, and accepts a challenge with an iron will. Nothing will get in the way of what he decides to do. I am the proudest mama bear ever!

We are having some fun tantrums and t has a truly inhuman amount of energy. That's the worst of it though. He is talking, well. He's so observant, he is hyper-aware of people's energy and intuitive about what's going on. It's a beautiful thing. I just hope he doesn't grow up too fast! He's such a smart little boy! He is going to be ahead of others his age, I can already feel it.

Side note:

Growth is awesome. Getting older is wonderful. Feeling comfortable in my own skin and confident in where the choices I've made have led me is the purest form of joy I know. The older I get. the more I feel like emotional discontent and dissatisfaction kind of level out. I feel a physical shift: things that once were huge and important fade into the background or disappear altogether. Things that are small and simple take up greater space in my everyday routines. It's nice, the way experience moves us through our trials, aids our maturation and little by little is our becoming. It's funny how our parents are right about so many things, how we often circle back to those instinctive less taken, less glamorous roads that we didn't follow the first time...how life and God direct us where we need to go and to exactly who we need to be, eventually.

I’m becoming the best version of myself by setting hard goals and reaching further everyday than I thought possible the day before. I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Days Saints and recently completed the Book of Mormon challenge for the first time. It seemed like a daunting task, but all it took was choosing to do it every day. I’m a stay-at-home mom and I got stuck in a rut after having my first child. I felt like I had no energy anymore and had gained a bunch of weight. After completing the reading challenge, I was reminded whose I was, that I can do hard things, and that we reach our goals one day at a time. So I set some goals. I went from not working out to working out 6 days a week. I started small, giving myself a 15 minute minimum. I’m now 50 days in, excluding Sundays and my mental game has completely changed. I feel like I’m in control of my life again! Another goal was to practice another language daily. It’s a ton of fun. Feeling better physically allows me to be a better mother and partner to my husband who is working and in school full-time. I love how interconnected everything is. And how, after practicing some self-care it feels like I have more time in my day.

World Nomads: Unexpected Travel Story Contest. Go enter and read the stories!

One, titled "Stranded in America's Soul" really resonated with me. This was my response: "Often life's greatest blessings are things that we take for granted or are right in front of us, but we're blind to them because we're focusing our attention just past them. Until we're not. I believe things happen for a reason. This story illustrates that nudge that can redirect our path in order for us to meet someone or experience the spirit of a place. These things change us. Call it destiny, or providence. We live to make connections, to understand and to find the beauty in everything."

I believe this with all of my heart.

As I was pondering why this was meaningful to me, the word "Providence" struck me like a slap to the face. Our little neighborhood has an association to this word. So I looked it up. This is the entire definition, provided by google:

prov·i·dence

/ˈprävədəns/

noun

1. the protective care of God or of nature as a spiritual power.

   "they found their trust in divine providence to be a source of comfort"

   synonyms:

   fate, destiny, nemesis, kismet, God's will, divine intervention, predestination, predetermination, the stars; More

   • God or nature as providing protective or spiritual care.

     noun: Providence

     "I live out my life as Providence decrees"
   • timely preparation for future eventualities.

     "it was considered a duty to encourage providence"

     synonyms:

     prudence, foresight, forethought, farsightedness, judiciousness, shrewdness, circumspection, wisdom, sagacity, common sense;  careful budgeting, thrift, economy "he had a streak of providence"

     I added the bold and red type for emphasis. How could I not have seen it? This little community has been freedom to us. It has been our saving grace and helped us to escape a hell we lived in for far too long. We are smitten with this little community and the warmth and shelter it provides. I am so grateful for this lesson, that I was blind to before today. It was not on any of our lists or either of our plans to be here, ever. But we were redirected. We are here for a reason. Kismet. Destiny. Divine design. I am excited to see what opportunities await. 

Remember who you are

This is the focus of my meditation this afternoon. I get so bogged down with stress, anxiety, worry, a too long to-do list and every distraction possible. I buy into the lies presented by the media and advertisements. I compare myself to women and mothers on social media. I get so overwhelmed I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I over eat. I eat like an addict. I feel worse. I get sad seeing myself in the mirror. Any why? Because I forget who I am, whose I am.

I did an exercise called "This is what my center feels like." I close my eyes, take a few short breaths, clear my mind. My first thought: I am at one with the universe. I am not wanting. Feelings of peace and calm are almost immediate. I continue to breathe. I'm reminded that everything is as it should be. I am not in control, but everything is taken care of. My abilities are limitless. A loving creator wants me to be happy and what I choose to do or become is up to me. How much would the world change if we all remembered who we are? If we focused inward, inside of ourselves to heal, to grow, to radiate light and goodness out into the world? Let's put our energy into lifting and encouraging others. And into falling in love with ourselves.

Peace, love, om to you today, you beautiful unicorns.

To all the wonderful women, mamas, sisters, daughters, friends, thank you for your beauty, vulnerability, example and voice. I love and celebrate each of you. ✌❤🕉

And to my baby: you are the greatest part of me, my heart outside of my body. I love you more than I'll ever be able to express with words. Instead I'll hold you in my arms, love you deeply, chase your dreams with you and be present every moment I have with you. I'm so grateful and so blessed to be your mama.

It's been a while. I have been through hell and back. I have a loved one suffering from addiction. It's one of the ugliest things I have seen someone face, especially because of the fallout.

I recently attended a conference where the speaker helped us to better understand betrayal. She described one's sense of self in relation to his or her spouse, family, surroundings, job, etc as a "construct," and shared that when someone is betrayed their construct is broken. Thinking of it like a glass bowl falling off of a shelf, it's easy to see the destruction this causes. Once broken it will never be physically possible to be put back together the same way. Additionally, because there are so many pieces, the time it will take to find the pieces and make sense of the whole will be significant.

This resonated with me for so many reasons. I feel like I have been living in survival mode. I often feel like - this can't be all there is to my life. Surely I am meant to be more, do more, change the world in some significant way. I get overwhelmed by my student loan interest rates which are rapidly increasing. I get paralyzed with fear for my child's future when I read the news or hear about things affecting friends' children. I get depressed scrolling through instagram, comparing my life to the seemingly effortless and richly abundant lives of other moms.

What I realize is that I have no control over the future. The idea of there being a time and season for everything in life is starting to really sink in. I can't compare my life to anyone else's because I'm not in their shoes. I don't know what their life is truly like; I don't know their fears or insecurities.

I've been pondering the question: "If I could trade places with anyone else, would I?" It could mean a change in my financial position, social influence, opportunities to travel.... the list could go on and on. The conclusion I came to was an absolute, without hesitation, "NO." 

I was born to be my son's mom. He is the most beautiful, kind and brilliant person I know. I love being his mother more than I have ever loved being anything else in my life. And he loves ME. He needs me. He doesn't care how much money I make, how many people know who I am, how I look in a bathing suit, whether or not I'm wearing makeup, or what I am doing to change the world. I am his world. If I am putting my energy and attention into building him up the best way I know how then I am doing it right.

I can't thrive in survival mode, desperate for money, recognition or popularity. They are fickle, temporary things anyway. I barely survive in hyper-awareness.

My relationships with people, my attitude, what I can give - these are the things that matter.

I am a good person. I am putting forth every ounce of energy and effort inside of me to become the greatest version of myself I can. Some days look like I got run over by a truck, but I keep going. If I can just stay focused, positive and hopeful everything will end up the way it needs to.

And muting that negative voice in the background is absolutely essential. Not today, Satan.

I am the daughter of a King. I am a force for good in the world. The only person who can get in my way is me. I choose to let go of my anger, forgive and move forward. I choose happiness. I choose HOPE. My BEST life is waiting. And I am worth it. So are you.

Peace, love, om.

J

Do you ever find something that you wrote or said years ago that seems to apply (again) to your life in the exact moment you need it? Going through some junk drawers today and found this little gem:

5/31/12
"Looking out the airplane window I get a tiny grasp of how the Lord must feel looking down on all of us. I think of the vastness of physical space, which is incomprehensible and realize that that, multiplied many times, the universe is infinitely greater still, and I am in awe. Of the beauty of the earth, the majesty of creation, the care and detail of a loving Heavenly Father. From this expanded perspective, I'm better able to be patient with Him and myself. It refines my concept of the world and my purpose here. I can better follow him in faith knowing that my limited vision has caused me to make rash decisions with consequences I didn't enjoy or foresee in the past. He blesses and magnifies me but He also waits to see how well I can take direction."

I can listen better. I can step outside of myself to serve others more often. I can lose myself in nature,  daydreaming about the wonders of the universe as often as I like. This sets my soul free and connects me more deeply to my Creator.

I am feeling stuck. I'm at another crossroads. The future is a bit blurry and so many questions are unanswered. I'm writing this in hopes that I will remember what it felt like to be in transition, to not have a clear picture of where I'm going, how I will get there or how I'll manage the means to ends in between. I guess that leads me to God. He is my answer. "I" alone cannot do or be at my best without his help and direction, without His blessing. I am so grateful that I am not a total nervous wreck right now. When I look back at other scary moments in my life, as long as I'm doing what is right, putting forth all that I can, things have always worked out, somehow. I know it has been blessings from heaven. So I'm trying it out again - this faith thing. I'm walking in darkness with my hand on the string that's guiding me. I may be temporarily blind but I'm moving, growing, becoming.

I hope my thoughts and experiences can help someone else to feel comfort or support. I pray that I can be someone whose life is a positive example to others. I hope to lead with my heart, with conviction and to always speak my truth. I don't need to be "right," to win arguments, to break other women down or to compare myself to anyone else. I am beautifully flawed, human, imperfect, kind, happy, unique. And I choose to find the lesson versus the trial in everything. I choose to find what I love most about myself and see others through rose colored glasses, as they can be and are at their best. The world would be a better place if we just gave each other the benefit of the doubt more often. And breathed life into each other. Speaking love. Opening our arms. Being a safe place for others to land. I wanna be like that.