Day 4 of my #fallbackintoshape2017 challenge. I did 20 mins of dancing/squats/holding plank as my workout. I listened to music from my childhood and realized how much I miss just listening to music. I recently made a playlist of my favorite songs and many are 80s and 90s songs. I am pretty nostalgic and each song has a particular smell, feeling and vibe that reminds me of distinct but kind of hazy memories. For example, whenever I listen to the song "Wonderwall" by Oasis, I picture being at a park in the late afternoon in a shady area and looking up into the sun. I feel warm, engulfed by the summer sun, at peace and happy to be alive. Whenever I hear a Shins song I am in Seattle, wandering around some market on a sunny day and it makes my heart feel full, but at the same time reminds me of someone I lost contact and friendship with. So it's bittersweet. Can anyone relate? Music is powerful.

I'm now reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. If anyone has ever read this book, I'd love your insight. It is an interesting read. I was reading about "ego" this morning, defined here as "the false belief about ourselves, a lie about who and what we really are" (35). She refers to it as a "detour to fear" (35).

She starts this book talking about how our generation is "paralyzed" by fear, that we are being stopped by something inside of us. We are afraid, she says "that they won't like us or afraid they will. We're afraid of failure or we're afraid of success. We are more afraid of living that we are of dying" (5). I can relate to this. I am a chronic overthinker. And there are many times in the course of setting and accomplishing goals that I get stuck because I don't know whether to move forward or change course. I get overwhelmed by my options and choose to instead do nothing. Fear keeps us in a cycle of mediocrity.

"Science of Fear" by the Temper Trap is one of my favorite songs. It speaks to this:
Brakes on
Brakes on
The car is running empty
Brakes on, brakes on
The car is runnin' empty
Downhill
Head on
This crash is comin' slowly
Downhill
Head on 
This crash is comin' slowly
Move
Or watch the slow death of your way of life
There's a science to fear
It plagues my mind
And it keeps us right here
And it keeps us here
My ears 
My eyes
My brain is slowly bustin'
Black smoke
Red sky 
The television's sayin'
Downhill
Head on another crash is comin'
Downhill
Head on another crash is comin'
Move
Or watch the murder of your way of life
There's a science to fear
It plagues my mind
And it keeps us right here
And the less we know
The more we sit still
My baby's stuck on a road
That leads to nowhere
Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere
Brakes on
Brakes on
Brakes on
Brakes on
Brakes on
There's a science to fear
It plagues my mind
And it keeps us right here
And the less we know
The more we sit still, sit still
My baby's stuck on a road
That leads to nowhere
Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere

Maybe you have to listen to it. :)

Williamson says that when we call on God (or decide to give up control, submitting our will to His) that in that moment more challenges come our way. Confronting our fear doesn't make it go away. In fact, it might make our fears even more real and seem greater as we come face-to-face with them, but our experiences, she says, serve as a reminder of who we are. Working through fear helps us to reach our purpose and calling in our lives. It has the ability to wake us up rather than paralyze us. She reminds us that "...any situation that pushes our buttons is a situation where we don't yet have the capacity to be unconditionally loving" (39). Our challenges serve as moments of growth, opportunities for us to choose to rise up and become better than we were yesterday.

I want to live the life I dream about. To have more blissfully happy and beautiful moments than disappointments. Or fear, absolutely fear. It's all a choice, but it's the more complicated one. The one that gets us uncomfortable. The stretch and breaking down of who we are in this moment in order to build us back up. The difference between remaining where we are now and expanding our capacity to become that person we dream of becoming.